Long Jokes

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the
same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to
the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out our air
hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and
sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly
sank.
Soon however, the whales realised the sailors were swimming to the
safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to
get away and told the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up
before they reach the shore." At this point, he realised the female was
becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
refuse to swallow the seamen."


Liz Taylor says to her doctor, "I have a new boyfriend, and he's
sixteen, so I want you to operate on my private parts so I'll have the
vagina of a sixteen year old. And this has to be our secret...no
leaks, no tabloids." When Liz wakes up after the operation, her doctor
is standing there. She looks at the foot of the bed, and sees three
bouquets of flowers. She says, "How could you do this? I told you this
was a secret." He says, "Liz, relax. The first bouquet is from me. The
second bouquet is from the anesthesiologist. He worked side by side
with me on your operation, he's gay, and he's one of your biggest

fans. He won't tell a soul. And the third bouquet is from a guy in the
Burn Unit, who wanted to thank you for his new ears."

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible
screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St. Peter,
"What's going on?" He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting
big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes
drilled into their heads for their halos." She says, "Heaven sounds
terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell." St. Peter says, "In
Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized." She says, "That's
okay. I've already got holes for that."

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile. The waitress
says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." So, he gets a cup of
coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal,
but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat
that?" The other guy says, "No. You can have it." The guy takes it and
starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead
mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy
says, "That's about as far as I got, too."



A little kid is at his first wedding, and he says to his mother, "Why
is the bride dressed in white?"
His mother says, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today
is the happiest day of her life."
The kid says, "So why is the groom wearing black?"


A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife
interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it
look like I have a Electricity Board logo printed on my
forehead? I don't think so."
Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close
right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I
have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the
front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the
steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Black and Decker
written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of
you. I'm going to the pub!!!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and
decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he
notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he
sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he
notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get
fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I
told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do
was either screw him or bake him a cake."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" The husband asks,
The wife replies, "Hellooooo... Do you see Delia Smith written
on my forehead?"

A couple are driving along the freeway somewhere on the Nullarbor Plain
and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything....the
heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, the bad drivers in
the country etc etc......and his wife is getting the absolute shits with
his depressing talk.
So she says to him: "One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with
my Swiss Army knife......".
About half an hour later, sure as nuts he starts complaining again and
before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guys
little Richard off and throws it out the window. Driving behind the
couple's car is a family of three.... husband, wife and their 8 year old
daughter. The penis suddenly lands on their car's windscreen and the
father, in an absolute panic as he doesn't want his daughter to see
quickly puts the windscreen wipers on to get the dick off the windscreen
and out of the view of his daughter. The daughter asks: "Daddy, what
was that??". Her father, still in a panic, replies " Oh it was only
a...uh...butterfly my dear".
Says the daughter "Well F**K ME! Did you see the size of its cock!!!!!!"




Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the
world in an attempt to lose weight? He tries the Scarsdale diet, the
Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the
paper
one day when he noticed a small ad which read: Lose weight $1.00 a
pound.
And it simply listed a telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on
the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the
man responded, 'Ten pounds.'. The voice replied, 'Very well, put your
check
in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the
morning.'.
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door.
There stands a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign
around her neck stating, 'If you catch me you can screw me'. Well the
overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the
kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was
through enjoying himself she said, 'Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh
yourself!'. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten
pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the
other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the
somewhat less overweight man replied, 'Twenty pounds.'. 'Very well', the
voice on the phone told him, 'Put your check in the mail and we'll have a
representative over to your house in the morning.'
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the
door.
When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track
shoes and a sign around her neck stating 'If you catch me you can screw
me'. The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did
catch her. When he was through she told him, 'Quick, run into the bathroom
and weigh yourself!' He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another
20 pounds!
'This is fantastic!', he thought to himself. Later that evening he called
the number again and the voice at the other end asked, 'How much weight do
you want to lose?'. 'Fifty pounds!', the
man exclaimed. 'Fifty pounds?', the voice asked. 'That's an awful lot of
weight to lose at one time.'. The overweight man replied, 'My
check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over
here in the morning.', and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets
all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a
knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large male gorilla
with a sign around his neck stating, 'If I catch you I'm going to screw
you!'

Reasons why it's great to be a man

* Football.
* Understanding football (any football!)
* A five day holiday requires one overnight bag.
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* Queues for the bathroom don't exist.
* You can open all your own jars.
* All your orgasms are real.
* You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around.
* You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* Nobody wonders if you swallow.
* You never have to clean a toilet.
* Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You don't have to shave below your neck.
* None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
* You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
* If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
* You can write your name in the snow.
* Biological clock? What's that?
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* Flowers fix everything.
* You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
* You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
* Reverse parking is easy
* Foreplay is optional.
* Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows.
* You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut.
* You can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without
ever thinking he's mad at you.
* You never look at the size of a baby's head and cringe.
* The whole world is your urinal.
* Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
* One mood, all the time.
* No such thing as bunny-hopping half an inch above the toilet seat.
* People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
* Dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger.
* Porn movies are designed specifically with your mind in mind.
* You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "so..., notice
anything different?"
* Farts are (still) funny